A Bureauc(rat)s Autocratic Begum

Was offered to attend a 2 days workshop on English teaching.  Hubbie didn’t allow.  Grrrrrr …. @*&%&*@

I am MEGA bored although I can’t say I don’t enjoy staying up till late playing on teh computer and reading books and then waking up pretty much when I want to.  I realize once school starts in about a month’s time that would not be possible and with the new baby coming (Insha Allah) it will be impossible for a looonnngggg time.

All my friends have immigrated to America.  I came to Peshawar thinking I would ring them up and arrange for us to get together but the couple that were left are also leaving , one in end of July and the other in August so of course they are busy packing and stuff.

Ummm … just read through all that.  How did you manage to get till here.  I would ahve stopped at the very first paragraph. 

There is no electricity … I mean we get electricity in between load sheddings instead of other way around.  There is no water to the extent people try not to flush toilets too often.  Have to buy water.  Confirmed that a grade 6 teacher was helping sudents with their answers in exams.

And there are people who still believe there is no God!!  How can Pakistan have existed for over 60 years without Him??

When the heck will it stop hurting?  Thought I would do the decent thing and go with the wishes of my parents and I’ll probably forget everything in just a few months.  Did I?  Oh no, it lingers on.  It hurts.  Still does and there is nothing romantic about it.

Saw pics on my friend’s facebook page.  Felt this cramping in my heart.  It could have been me, should have been me.  I was so stupid, so dumb.

You were right REO Speedwagon … “One Lonely Night, is all that it takes … “

I have cut myself, made myself bleed,  physically.  Taken enough sleeping pills to require a stomach wash but nothing compares to the pain I feel inside, this piercing ache.  To top it all,. I have to listen to my sisters making clever, wise remarks about  love since they heard all when I was sick.  They are such fools.

When he got engaged, I found out from my sis.  I kept a blank face, all is well in Freak-ville.  Left only when I the feeling came back to my feet.  Heard her say to my mother (scornfully) … “if she liked him so much, she should have married him”.   Damn right sis.   I should  have.  But you know this izzat that you are worrying about so much always and this love for your parents that you keep prophesying … that’s what stopped me.  You are lucky, you were never in love.  I was damn it and I could have had my selfish happiness but I didn’t.  But never mind.  You will never know.

Shucks, I sound corny, even to myself. 

I have been really sick thees past few days.  Weekend was terrible.  It all started with my driver who had some sorta viral thing and you know some people have the flu and running high fever etc but they never show it.  It’s really lucky for them but for the rest of us it had disastrous consequences.  My son insists on sitting in the front seat with the said driver so he caught it from him.  Poor baby had really high fever for like a week, had to cold sponging and all but it took its time and the moment he got a li’l better and I dared take a sigh of relief I got it.  Man I tell you it was pure hell.  Also what made it worse is the fact that I am pregnant and can’t take much medicine.  So me and my Panadol were left to do as best as we could.  No use.  Now a 101 degrees for more than 24 hrs is bad for the fetus and so is taking antibiotics but having to choose the lesser evil meant going with the antibiotics so since yesterday I have started taking clomithromycin.  I am really bad at taking pills.  Usually I just puke them out the moment they touch my tongue but ahhhhh … mothers.  For this little tyke inside I have to be a wee bit stronger and take my medicine like a (wo)man.  :((  Cut it short, feeling much better Alhamdulillah and thinking of going to work from tomorrow.

And oh yes, did the scan.  IT’S A GIRL.  :D:D

I had some minor bleeding last night.  Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that’snot good for pregnancy … specially inthe 2nd trimester.  Taking day off from work, going to see doc and rest.  Should I feel sad for something/someone that’s not even here yet?  Or is it better to feel grateful for what I DO have?  The latter of course.  But would be lying if I said I am not scared, a little.  I defnitely want another kid and more so a sibling for my kid.  But all Allah’s decisions.  As He wills, whatever He wills, when He wills …

No regrets!

It was my b’day yesterday.  I am 29.  Going over the hill.  Damn man.  And there is NOTHING I have done that I wanted to.  I mean going by statistics, an average person these days lives to be 60 so I have lived almost half my life.  I haven’t been to the Caribbeans on a huge white cruise ship (alone), haven’t yet had someone fall head over heels in love with me, not even enrolled for my Ph.D, or dyed my hair purple, or started driving etc etc.  I am depressing myself.

What the heck was the previous post about exactly?!?!  I am going nuts.  As if I ever was sane.  Khe khe khe.  Why am I the only one laughing here?  Ugh!  I am not having any food cravings … funnily enough I am craving more Harry Potter books.  Have read the last 3 all over again.  Now what?

I am nauseous 20 hours a day, my feet are already hurting, not swollen but hurting, I am having heartburn and etc etc so taking Zantac.  Boo hoo.  It wasn’t so bad with son.  Hubie very sweetly said must have something to do with age.  Duh!  No wonder heaven is placed right under our feet, if this doesn’t qualify us for it I dunno what would.

I really like the Seinfeld show.  Kramer is just hilarious.  I don’t understand why or how George succeeds in finding girlfriends.  Also how come Seinfeld uses his real name but the rest of the characters are given imaginary one’s???

Yeah, I know, I know.  It’s hormones again ….

You know it got me thinking today … it=hormones … I am probably gonna live my whole life without ever being loved.  God, What a depressing thought!  I mean, even that’s not so bad.  I had made a deal with my Allah.  I’ll give up this life to make my parents happy … give up the one person that means more than anyone else to me to fulfill my daughterly, sisterly, and religious duty but that in return He would give me him for all eternity.  I was soooo damn stupid.  I mean, I actually don’t have any regrets even now.  Given the time and circumstances I would still make the same choice but it does hurt yara.  After I got married, I read up on this islamonline.net website that for a married woman to even think of another man is a sin.  I mean now just by being in love with that guy is wrong then how can I ask my Allah to give him to me in the “other” life??  Do you know what it feels like to give yourself up to someone you don’t love … or worse still when you love someone else?  Or the knowledge that this is how it’s gonna be … FOREVER.  It’s horrid.  I was never a die-hard romantic but yes like everyone else i did think that I would some day be with someone for whom I was special … even if it had to happen after marriage.  Hubbie really liked me before we got married and even afterwards … before I got sick and blabbered off everything in my state of lunacy.  He just couldn’t take it.  Proves he didn’t love me … he loved who he thought I was.  And I am not about to ask anyone to forgive me for falling in love with someone at 16 and talking to him … just talking to him over the phone for the next 5 years … and breaking my heart over him and doing what I thought was the right and honorable thing to do.  No sir … that’s not for me.

So now what do I do?  When I was little I used to think my mother didn’t love me and frankly she never did anything to change my mind about it either until I got married.  I grew up begging … literally begging … Allah to let me have someone who would love me more than s/he ever loved anyone else.  It didn’t have to be a boyfriend or hubbie.  Anyone.  A sibling, friend, aunt, …. ANYBODY.  And then I found him.  Here was someone who was perfect … a friend first … a best friend.  He never askedme to meet him , never talked sleazy, never told anyone about me and kept it a secret ’cause I asked him to.   And then my selfless, sacrificing self took over me.  How many times, just how mnay times did he ask me to marry him and I chickened out every time thinking Allah would punish me if I broke my parents trust … telling myself it was ok so long as I didn’t tell him I loved him.  And when I realized it was alright it was too late. Guess his ego took over.

OH SHIT!  :(  Now I’ll never know what it feels like to be loved.  HURRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Hmmm … gotta do this tag where I pick a book closest to me and go to page 123 and then to the 5th line and share the next three lines with anyone crazy enough to come here (and yes Saadat I think you are a li’l crazy).  I have Sidney Sheldon’s Morning, Noon and Night infront of me on the table but I also have Othello.  I looked at the SS first so though I am dying to impress all with the latter I guess I am gonna stick with the former.  (Gosh, I hated this former/latter and manderja bala/ manderja zail thingies … always so confusing as is rural/urban and prefix/suffix) .  okey okey here I go ….

The apartment consisted of two small bedrooms, a living room with furniture that had seen too many tenants, a kitchenette, dinette, and a bathroom.  They’ll never confuse this place with the Ritz, Julia thought.

“We’ll take turns at cooking,” Sally suggested.

Duhhhhhhh …. now what was the whole , entire, complete, utter purpose of this????